HNUM²

When the Directors Guild of America and the Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers allow a film to be credited to Alan Smithee you know there is a problem.

When it’s a story spanning generations of the same family tied to a mysterious puzzle box which is the gateway to hell… Well, you’ve got bigger problems than an unhappy director.

The tale begins in (after flashing back from the space station of the final act) the 18th century when a toy maker, Phillip L’Merchand is commissioned by a satanic aristocrat. Working day and night to perfect the puzzle box, L’Merchand is unaware of the purpose. Finally finished, the toymaker delivers the box. And some plot convenience leads him to later return to the aristocrats house where he witnesses the appearance of a demon, Angelique. Trying to stop hell, his entire bloodline ends up cursed. Cursed, I tell you.

Skip forward 200 years or so (I guess the attempts on the eternal souls of the six or seven generations between were just not interesting) and we are at the unveiling of architect John Merchants latest award winning building. Quite possibly the building from the end of the third movie. And quite possibly the only attempt to acknowledge the existence of the previous films. Well, except Pinhead of course. Who only seems to acknowledge the existence of the quasi-religious clichéd one liner spouting Pinhead of the third film. Anyway, back to the building. And the demon. Having trouble with the toymaker (well, the building is full of little pointless architectural features) she summons up Pinhead and orders him to..erm, claim Merchant. And damn him to hell. And he better hurry up as Merchant now has a way to close the gates of hell. Forever. This time, Pinhead has Cerberus to help him. And a couple of home made cenobites. Who you, if you listened to the pre-cenobite characters AT ALL, knew their eventual cenobite fate. And to keep it spoiler free… the bloodline survives hells attempts yet again. Phew, there was a moment there when I thought the bloodline was in some serious danger. Then I remembered Dr. Paul Merchant on the space station at the start of the film. Which is our next stop along this cursed families path. More uninteresting battles down the generations, I guess, as we are now far in the future. 2001. Or sometime.

Here on board the space station, a group of soldiers are still questioning the impressive spacetoy maker on why he is the sole person on board. And why he has Short Circuits Johnny 5 in a room with a tiny box. Unfortunately for them, they had arrived too late to stop the opening of the box. Pinhead, Cerberus, Angelique and the home-made cenobites are soon up to their old tricks. Evil, killing, and the spouting of cheesy, quotable (or at least the writers probably hoped) one liners. Eventually, the sole surviving soldier believes hell is on board and lets Merchant put his long dead ancestors plan into effect. Sealing the door to hell forever. Well, one can only hope.

Saying all that, though… There are some great gore effects and some really nice production design.